Burger King Cheesy Fries

Notice how scrumptuously tender
and cheesy those lovely fries look?
THE FRIES ARE A LIE!
So is the cake, by the way...

           It is my sad duty, at times, to review a product that is not merely poorly conceived and made with inferior ingredients, but is actively, maliciously, and deceptively craptacular.  We are talking about the difference between being weak and incompetent, and being maliciously villainous (in chip form).  The Burger King’s Cheesy Fries are the parasitic pond-scum of snacks, frail monstrosities that could only have been spawned from the the DNA of corporate branding machine without any concern for creating a good product.

            First among this products many, many disappointments is that the actual contents of the package bear no resemblance to the ravenously tasty looking crunch french fries with cheese, depicted in loving detail by a large photo on the cover.  If you think you are going to be getting something thicky and crusty, with lots of large air bubbles and dried cheese, then you are in for a sad surprise.

            Let me restate the implications of that last statement to eliminate any possible confusion: there are no fries in the bag.  Now somebody is going yell at me on the comments thread What did you expect, moron!  You can’t put fries in a foil bag and sell them like chips.  And I want to quickly assure you all that I was in fact quite well aware that this would likely be the case, and not one fraction of demerit has been imposed on this product for not being fries.  However, plenty of demerits are to be assigned for a product whose packaging actively misleads you as too the appearance of its contents, as the actual chips resembles fries as much as cue tips resemble pixie sticks.

Instead of staring at Rita,
try comparing
the 'fry' she is holding with
her chopsticks to the
picture on the bag.
Instant cognative
dissonance!  Check out her
review of the product- she
agrees with me, and also
discusses her chips-with-
chopsticks fetish. 

            What you will find inside instead are some extremely thin yellow rods of processed fried corn (sort of Cheeto-like in textures, but vastly inferior), only about 4 millimeters in width, with slanted edges that can only vaguely be said to resemble fries.  They have none of the chewy inner-texture of actual fries, crunching in your mouth just like the aforementioned cheetos, but the rods are so small that the crunch itself is rather pathetic and joyless.  To reiterate, they are not remotely like actual fries in shape or texture, nor do they have any particular redeeming virtues in their faux-imitation form.

            Now what degrades this rather sorry product below the level of your average uninspired salty snack is that it is slathered heavily in orange flavoring which tastes not a bit like actual cheesy fries, but is instead a typical salty cheddar flavoring found on countless other products, except this time the salty flavor is way too strong.  There must definitely have been some failure in the product testing somewhere, because I’m pretty sure salty-like-drinking-sea-water is not something the average consumer is looking for in their chips.

            To add devastating insult to injury, you get a ridiculous ¾ of an ounce in the small bag, making this a ridiculous rip off of in quantity as well as quality.  The silver lining, at least, was that I didn’t have to endure it for very long.

Stars: ½/4
Spiciness Level: None

Pros:

-I really tried to think of some, seriously, but I’m still pretty mad about how bad these were a year later!

Cons:

-Way over salted, and flavoring completely misses the mark

-Texture is anemic, and is in no way similar to actual crunchy-cheese fries

-Rods are too thin, especially to simulate actual fries

-Miserably small quantity of chips in the bag for the price (perhaps I should put this under pros?