Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Utz Onion and Garlic Potato Chips

            As promised, I’ve come full circle back to everybody's favorite proverbially cheap-as-chips brand, Utz, and I’ve got to hand it to them, you go in expecting some bog-standard variation, and you end up with something unusual and weird.  Garlic flavored chips, after all, are not as common as all that, so I was happy enough to acquire some for my personal delectation. 
Speaking of the weird, just to throw something out there, it occurs to me that Utz may have felt garlic flavored snacks may have some additional utility beyond mere pleasures of the tongue, perhaps in the realm of self-defense.  One ‘reviewer’ has already cautioned against garlic chips because of the unfortunate effects it may produce on subsequent amorous encounters, but I would propose the following solution: chicks before chips.  Incidentally, those suggesting that I bought these following my ill-fated escapade with the undead handmaidens of the Lahmian Court of the Silver Peak should put a stake in it.  Besides, knowing what I know about those ladies, they favor a liquid diet, and wouldn’t be caught alive eating chips anyway.
Few things are as dangerous as garlic
breath combined with your girlfriend,
in bed.
            These potato chips are small rounds, around 1.5-2 inches in diameter on average, and have a peculiar soft texture which is low on crunch, but that allows them to easily melt in the mouth.  They are basically very low-density in consistency, and biting into them is like crunching through a thin layer of styrofoam, which isn’t as bad as it sounds because they don’t taste like styrofoam.  All in all, the texture is definitely not superior in quality, but it is strange and different enough that I’m inclined to be a little lenient.  Any thick-potato chip purists will hate them, and the thin textures seems to absorb moisture relatively quickly outside of the mouth as well as in (ie., go stale in the cabinet), but otherwise they’re all right.
            The texture aside, the flavoring on the Utz chips is very strong, with a lot more emphasis on the garlic over the onion, (a consensus among all but one review I’ve seen for these).  The crisps were fairly salty, but not excessively so; unless you surge the sodium by eating a lot of them at once, your mouth will be pleasantly garlicked and not suffer any cascading denial of service attacks.  Just as Sookie Stackhouse’s perky daring more than compensates for her lack of class, the garlic flavorings lack of sophistication did not prevent me from appreciating its boldness.  While Utz’s Onion and Garlic chips are far from being nuanced or perfected in either form or flavor, I do appreciate the unique approach they bring to the table and the tongue and recommend them for garlic lovers, or anybody afraid of receiving the blood kiss from Neferata, Queen of the Damned.
This guy actually did
a minute long video review
of the Onion & Garlic chips,
which sounds ridiculous
until you consider how long
I spent writing this one.

Stars: 2/4
Spiciness Rating: Very Mild

- A nicely bold garlic flavor that is not so common on chips
- Protection from bloodsucking vixens
- The weirdly thin crisps do melt in the mouth easily

- The weirdly thin crisps are very far from being any sort of quality, crunchy potato crisp
- Those seeking more onion will likely be disappointed

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