Crusticroc Snack Balls Jalapeño-Cheddar

After immense difficulty
I finally found a website
with a pic of the bag
titled Sack Balls .

I’m juvenile enough to find any junk food called ‘snack balls’ automatically hilarious, and of course, detailing that they are made out of spicy cheese is an open invitation to sophisticated humor of the South Park variety.  The Buck Rogers style retro Sci-Fi title adds a delightful kitsch factor to what I can only anticipate to be yet another mediocre product from discount snack-food producer Crusti Croc (a store brand of Lidl.)

If every episode of South Park featured
mutant laser-spear toting sea otters
mounted on ostriches in the ruins of
NYC, I would become a regular viewer.

But nein, the canny German proletariat-feeders at Lidl have in fact formulated an eccentric work of mad (though by no means refined) genius, not unlike their well-documented plot to raise a zombie army to win World War II.  The Corn-Puff Balls are extra-large- about an inch in diameter each- are satisfyingly lumpy and crunchy, and feature a reasonable amount of chewy inner density to make for a snack which floods the mouth with pleasing flavor.

Agent Blaskowicz's escape from Castle
Wolfenstein played a critical role
in the defeat of the Nazi Zombietruppen.

            Now the seasoning itself is no way ‘life-like’ or ‘sophisticated’, and yet is ‘powerful spicy’, as they say in Gone with the Wind, and quite effectively infused with jalapeño.  Unlike far too many other snack foods, there is no lack of flavor, and an extra salty, super-picante experience awaits your mouth for each crackling snack ball you suck into your saliva-gushing maw like a Tyranid Mawloc. 

Mawlocs may not mouth off as much as
your teenage son or a Sandworm of Arrakis
but their gullets do seem to moistly slaver
more gratuitously.  Painted by C-Bomb13.

Unfortunately, the flavor-sensation is rather marred by an undeniable degree of over-saltiness, and fondness for drinking salt water may be a prerequisite for extended eating of these cash-concession corn-puff confections.  The saltiness also rather obscures the cheese flavoring, but overall I found this shortcoming of the Snack Balls rather tolerable when weighed against the lightning those joy-spheres were packing, and recommend them as a flavorful though crass diversion for a night’s entertainment.

Of course one could actually make real
jalapeño cheese balls if one wanted to
as pictured from this recipe by Kooksfood.

Stars: 2½/4

Spiciness Rating: Hot

Pros:

- Nice extra-large corn-puff balls are thick and crunchy

- Flavorful and spicy

Cons:

- Salty balls are too salty

Cheetos Pizzerini

Today I will introduce for your pleasure a truly a pan-European delicy-Cheetos Pizzerini are parently manufactured in Poland, but the text in the back is additionally written Lithuania, Latvian, Estonian, Hungarian, and Czech!  Just like the Tunisian take on Sun Chips, the Cheetos brand in Eastern Europe retains the same recognizable imagery and symbols (Chester seems spry and cool and has apparently so far avoided succumbing to Feline Infectuious Peritonitis, the ebola-virus of cheetah-kind), but the finished product bears only coincidental resemblance to any Cheetos you have encountered in the United States despite the orange Cheetah on the packaging.

"Stocky leapords" is a phrase you will
only encounter when Cheetahs take
over the world. And they will.  Oh yes,
they will...

Now, curiously, the Polish word for ‘Cheetah’ is gepard- you guessed it, the same as the word for leopard.  But wait a minute, aren’t those the same thing?  In fact, the cheetah has a smaller body and longer tail (speed record for an animal moving on land, yo- 105 kilometers an hour in your tasty, tasty gazelle-like face), tear-strike lines running from its eyes to the chin for the scary-licious kabuki-samurai I’m-going-to-murderize-you-while-crying look, and bigger spots.

Nothing says "I'm going to slaughter you so
hard I need to start weeping tears in advance
 in my horror of the deed" then some black
 lipstick and eyeliner with tear trails,
 as Cheetahs and Abyssal Exalted
know well...

Rather than the hard and crunchy cheese fingers Americans have come to expect, Cheetos Pizzerini are shaped more like three dimensional hearts or lozenges, relatively large in size (about an 1” in across) and with a much softer and less dense corn-puff base.  Naturally, they are coated with a a pretty red tomato-basil/pizza seasoning colored with occasional flecks of green that tastes rather like Pizza Combos.  (My theory is that professional flavorists have imitated the likes of animated sitcoms, radical philosophers, and Shrek movies and become predominantly self-referential.) 

Note that these are ovoid in shape rather than flat,
like the Rebel transports escaping from Hoth.

As a complete package it’s pretty decent- the tomato basil flavoring is reasonably tasty, even though it wasn’t quite strong enough for my liking, and the soft texture of the corn puffs invites rapid munching, though I’m afraid it’s not quite as fun as the crunchiness of real Cheetos nor as densely textured as classic Cheese Curls.

Still, Polish Cheetos are an entertaining departure from regular American products for jaded chip-eaters, and I think you can’t go wrong trying these out just to see how differently a company will spin the brand name to suit what are presumably local tastes.

Stars: 2½

Spiciness Rating: None

Pros:

- Competent pizza-like flavoring

- Soft corn-puff lozenges are relatively novel and highly munchable

Cons:

- Not quite as good as the original Cheetos recipe

- Stronger flavoring would have been welcome

Cerealis Cheese Fingers

In Part 3 to our Traveler’s Guide to Tunisian chips, we take a look at Cerealis Cheese Fingers.  Like all the Tunisian chips we found, these were all basically riffing off of classic Western mass-market snack food, and these ones are no exception.  (Sorry, no tagine-flavored chips so far it seems.)  Judging from the picture on the bag, you will basically find some sort of knock off of Cheesy Cheetos on the inside, right?

Max Rebo supposedly agreed to perform
for food, presumably because it would
save him money.

However, the packaging proves hilariously deceptive.  If these are fingers, than I think they were developed by a dwarf with grotesquely stubby single-jointed fingers which might only be found on Jabba the Hutt’s favorite red-ball organist, Max Rebo.  These ‘fingers’ look more like barrels, or depth charges.  Or maybe like taters.

In any case, these are not imitation Cheetos, but imitation Cheese Twists!  Yes, the oversized cousin/competitor of Cheetos, (in the great tradition of frenemy brothers and sisters that try to kill you in one episode and help you the next), less hard and crunchy, more large and puffy.  Cheese Twists are basically perfectly awesome, and just as tasty in the shape of a tater as in the more elongated shape usually found at the grocery store.

File under the category: "cafeteria food
I actually miss eating."

The flavoring is firmly within the American salty-cheddar canon, which is to say addictive but unoriginal.  That’s ok, addictive will do for me!  Anyone who experiences a need to pop some tender cheese puffs while exploring the burned out hulls of American tanks around the Kasserine Pass, or retracing the steps taken by Obi Wan Kenobi while vocalizing the mighty roar of the Krayt Dragon, knows where to find them.  Just remember, the image on the cover is hilariously inaccurate.

Stars: 2/4

Spiciness Rating: None

Pros:

- They are essentially Cheese Twists, which are good

- The barrel shape crisps are actually kind of fun to toss in your mouth

Cons:

- Nothing new about them besides the flavor

- The packaging portrays them to be a different product

Golden Krispy’s Sun Chips Paprika

They’re called Sun Chips, use a yellow-orange color scheme, are identified as a multigrain snack, and boast of having 30% less fat than potato chips.  Why am I bothering to review this everyday American product?  Well, because these ‘Sun Chips’ are made by the Tunisian Golden Krispy company in the town of Zaghoun, and they have about as much in common with Sun Chips as MTV does with the music industry.  (Wait, did that just make sense?  Yes, it did.)

These are not the crunchy rumpled multigrain crisps you are used to, but actually little cheeseball-like confections that appear to be made of puffed corn, but are actually composed of potatoes and corn.  So, multigrain, but not necessarily in the healthy ‘I’m good for your digestion’ way.  Still, there’s nothing objectionable about the format- they are relatively soft textured and the size of playing marbles (that is, a little larger than a Coco Puff), a pleasant light orange in color with the occasional speck of black pepper, and melt swiftly in the mouth.  The pebbles are lacking in density, but at least they aren’t rough or brittle on the outside.

The seasoning certainly isn’t very paprika-ish, although faint overtones of the Hungarian spice can be detected amidst the broadly sweet flavoring, with the occasional seasoned-salt surge and perhaps even a slightly sour element that elicits saliva from the tongue.  The flavoring on each individual puff tends to make a pleasant first impression on the tongue, but like a visit from your favorite mistress, doesn’t last as long as you would like, so I ended up gobbling three or four at once to saturate my mouth with the tasties.  Overall, a slightly higher seasoning content would have been better, but this shortcoming proved far from fatal.

Although Golden Krispy’s product has nothing to do with everybody’s favorite multigrain chips, they are still pretty fun to munch and deliver a seasoning that’s fairly compelling with its blend of sweet and salty, even if it seems a little off topic.  I’m vaguely curious if Golden Krispy actually has some licensing arrangement with Sun Chips to take advantage of their brand name (certainly the marketing is remarkably parallel), but I don’t want to give the game away if they don’t!  If I ever end up going to Tunisia myself, I’m definitely going to seek a LARGE bag of these so I can mindlessly munch away at them as I bake away under the sun of one of the world’s latest revolutionary states and trust that the the masses will even everything out.

Stars: 2/4

Spiciness: None

Pros:

- Reasonably amusing sweet-and-salty flavoring

- Fun to pop three or four in your mouth like coco pebbles

Cons:

- Not particularly Paprika-like, or spicy

- The individual balls could use more seasoning

- The chips are a little thin in texture

Cheetos Mighty Zingers Ragin’ Cajun & Tangy Ranch

            I had been eyeing this double-offering for while with mixed feelings of desire and wise hesitation, like that handsome girl (or guy) you know is totally into you, but which the wisdom-based portion of your brain is telling you will likely bring nothing but trouble.  The desire is there because I like Cheetos and I like getting two flavors in one bag, the prudent hesitation, in this case, being a sister product (Cheetos Sharp Cheddar and Spicy Picante) that proved gravely disappointing if not a total loss.   However, having succumbed to my baser desires (or curiosity, at least, if that doesn’t count as one), and brought these giblet-sized corn puffs on a date with my mouth, I feel like I can assure you that while this gal may have few issues just like her sister, she is way cooler and fun to hang out with.

"It's the economy STUPID," says
an angry French speaker from
Louisiana.  Not pictured: a ranch
drenched in lemon juice.

            Let’s be upfront about the issues though: we are once again talking about Coco pebble-sized Cheetos rather than stick-shaped Cheetos.  While this is designed to enable you biting two of the flavors at once with each bite, the problem is that the smaller Cheeto bits are not as satisfying to eat individually and a pain to have to collect in between your clawed fingers.  My feeling is that a better compromise would have been bits about half the mass of your average Cheeto, which would have made them better for eating individually but still feasible to eat in multiples.  To be fair, some of the Cheeto bits actually are cut at that happy medium, but not enough.

An informative look at what's inside
courtesy of the review by Hot Chicks
Eatin' Spicy Chips, who rather liked
them but note that the Tabasco-sauce
flavoring is rather more evocative of
Buffalo Wings than Cajun cuisine.  So
not a bad thing, but not what you may
be expecting.

            Overall, though, I did not find this deficiency to be as annoying this time around because the actual flavorings involved were much more satisfying.  The light-gold colored Tangy Ranch bits and the reddish-orange colored Ragin’ Cajun pieces are both basically derivative, but still have their subtle differences and work well together.  The Tangy Ranch is basically just like the ranch flavoring on a Dorito, though a bit more sour in taste, and works well on Cheetos even if it’s not original.  The Ragin’ Cajun bits are basically flavored like spicy Tabasco sauce, and pack a respectable kick.  Any one who's had the red Spicy Cheetos knows roughly what to expect, but these are actually tangy-er and combine pretty well with the ranch flavored ones, even though the spiciness-level is somewhat diluted.

I don't know how I feel about you after
meeting your evil twin who was in favor
of planetary genocide as a means for
furthering the domination of the Empire,
but now that I've had both flavors of
Mighty Zingers I realize that villainy
isn't a genetic trait!  Logically.

            So all in all, it was fun chowing these down and I’m glad I gave into my unwise temptation, because sometimes it isn’t fair to make assumption about a guy or a girl based on that troublesome relative of theirs you already know.  Anyone who likes the idea of Tabasco and ranch flavored Cheetos should give these a try.

Star: 3/4

Spiciness Level: Moderate

Pros:

- Ranch-flavored Cheeto-bits are an interesting remix

- The ‘Cajun’ Cheetos come off as a tangier variant of Spicy Cheetos, who’s awesomeness we should all acknowledge

- The flavors complement each other in a pleasing faction

Cons:

- The small size of the corn puffs can make for annoyingly complicated eating experience as you try to pinch multiples of them between your fingers.

- Some might wish for something spicier over all

Belin Croustilles Emmental

(‘Swiss’ Cheese Flavored Cheetos)

I’ve ranted in an earlier review that the only cheese known to North America is cheddar cheese.  But this isn’t really true- your average elementary students can also name another variety: Swiss cheese, the kind that mice like to eat in nursery school books.  That we call all white, salty, holey cheese Swiss cheese is particularly infuriating for the French, and remains the source of an ongoing dispute with their usually-neutral neighbors to the east, for both countries produce a variety of salty white cheeses which in both countrys are known as gruyere, but which the Swiss insist were originally of their devising.  The dispute with their halberd-wielding compatriots is especially tragic given that gruyere was apparently developed in a region that straddled the boundaries of both Switzerland and France before either existed as a country.

Quoth Wikipedia: "the first cheese from
Switzerland to win the title World
Champion at the Wisconsin (USA)
Cheese World Championships in 2006"

            Now amidst the many varieties of so-called “Swiss Cheese”, Emmentaler (or Emmental) is the most prototypical of the type you find in American grocery stores, and is kind of a light-weight, being the least‘sharp’ in flavor, but traditionally comes sporting lots of cheese holes, (a result of CO2 bubbles that escaped the cheese pressing, traditionally a sign of imperfection) unlike your proper French-or-Swiss gruyere.  My mom despises it as being rubbery and flavorless, while I kind of like it for its soft and oily texture- however the criticism that it is light on flavor compared to a Beaufort or even Comté is deserved.  Nevertheless, I was highly intrigued to see what amounted to ‘Emmental’ flavored Cheetos on sale, hoping for some paradigm shifting experience with chips that were for once representing a specific variety of European cheese rather than cheddar.

            Well, I’m must sadly report, that like various much heralded permanent political majorities, paradigm-shift there was not to be.  The first major impression that crossed my mind was that the flavor reminded me of cheesy popcorn.  In fact the savor is distinctly different from Cheetos, but is rather in the vein of creamier and less salty cheese flavors you can find on various American savory snacks.  While the taste is not actually that original, the experience improves with extended eating as you begin to pick out little nuances in the seasoning.  The package assures us that the product is made of 6.4% powdered cheese, of which Emmental makes up 4.7%.  If you do the math, that means that actual Emmental cheese content of the package is .3%, which leaves a little be desired in the same way that we might feel that the Saint Bartholomew’s Day Massacre was maybe a little treacherous.  And yet, sometimes while munching meditatively on these mostly-not-Emmentaler croustilles, I felt like I could detect a faint glimmer of that real Emmental flavor shining through, like the last shreds of a decency in a villain’s black heart.



After I'm done crashing my car into
a helicopter, I weep quietly to myself and
write emo love poetry to ease the pain of
my sensitive soul.



            The croustilles themselves have to be praised, for they are extra creamy and oily, and have a nice soft crunch that reveals a softer inner density, like all those brutal action heroes with a gentle heart underneath all the gun-fu and neck-snapping expertise.  Combined with the buttery cheese flavor, the Emmental Croustilles do deliver a qualitatively different experience from Cheetos, and are equally addictive in their own way.  Sadly, they don’t distinguish themselves as much from standard cheese flavoring as I would have liked, and the initial impressions still lend themselves to less-classy junk food associations.

Stars: 2½/4

Spiciness Rating: none

Pros:

- Softer, creamier cheese flavor an interesting change from the standard Cheetos flavor

- Crunch and oily exterior with softer interior offers excellent texture

Cons:

- Not as different from other mass-market cheese flavorings as one would hope

- More Emmental needed!

Monoprix Soufflés Croustillants Cacahuetes Grillees

Some of you must be expecting that I’m about to review soufflé flavored Cheetos, which would definitely be awesome (though hard to envision I must admit), but Soufflé actually just means ‘puffed-up’ in French, and in this case is referring to corn-puffs a la Cheetos.  And, as mentioned in an earlier review of a very similar product, what better flavor to coat corn puffs with then peanuts?

My review of Lorenz’s Curly Cacahuete chips ended on a dissatisfactory note, and I was left feeling that peanut-flavored corn puffs perhaps deserved to be revisited in a higher-quality rendition.  Well, as fate had it, my housemate Clemente recently left a public bowl full of Monoprix’s own version of the same product on the table, and I was pleased to find that by improving the texture and adding a subtle grilled flavor the final product was significantly improved.

My original discontent with the Lorenz chips stemmed from two factors: first of all, that fundamentally I want my peanut-flavored chips to taste sweet like peanut butter, and secondly, that the texture was crap, too hard on the outside and too airy on the inside.  The second problem was addressed by Monoprix’s chips, which featured a richer, denser, more buttery texture worthy of any Cheeto, which made them much more of a pleasure to eat.  So, texture going from crap to good = happy.

My concern over the lack of sweetness remains, though there were some improvements to the flavor that made these chips more satisfying: perhaps a dash more of sugar, and a subtle ‘grilled’ flavor which made things all together more interesting.  So, while I still want a product that is sweeter and I wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way have to more of these, they are actually pretty decent for absent minded snacking and are probably worth a try just to see where you stand on the whole peanut-flavored-cheetos issue.

Stars: 2 ½

Spiciness Rating: none

Pros:

- Strong peanut flavor emulation, now with grilled overtones and a hint more sweetness

- Buttery crunchy texture is just right for a cornpuff snack

Cons:

- Still not as as sweet as peanut butter

Belin Croustilles Fromage de Chevre (aka Goat-Cheese Cheetos)

Every now and then when wading overseas amidst the mundane everyday things of another culture we come across some artifact which happens to perfectly capture the zeitgeist in some shockingly provocative way.  And what could more perfectly capture the encroachment of globalization on the traditional-yet-innovative French than Goat-Cheese flavored Cheetos?  The concept alone is gold, and the fact that they actually taste like goat cheese just makes it better!

Mind you, these are not of course made by Frito-Lay, but they are the same material and same shape, if not of course the same flavor, and they do have a slightly different, less dense consistency.  The product line appears to be called ‘Croustille’, a word dervied from croustillant (KROO-STEEY-AHN) which gets translated as 'crusty', but the term captures a concept of crunchy-on-the-outsides-and-tender-on-the-inside-dness that has no equal in the English language as far as I know.  Being like Cheetos, of course, the insides are not particularly soft, but at least the title is evocative.

Tastes just like goat.  But I mean that
in a good way.

The texture, as I noted, is not quite as dense and oily as Cheetos, but still superior to certain other airy Cheeto-like products I have had, but anyway if you’re trying these out, you’re really looking for flavor not texture.  And the flavor, I have to say is spot on, and uncannily like goat cheese.  Now, how you feel about that will depend on your relationship with goat cheese, and whether you feel you can tolerate it anywhere but in its traditional scraped-on-bread setting.  Personally, I endorse this heartily; it aptly mixes the mild salty flavors of goat cheese along with the subtly acrid after taste- and it must be emphasized that the after taste is kept well under control and shouldn’t offend anyone.  Though I was initially a little wierded-out by Goat-cheese corn puffs, I quickly grew to enjoy them without even a moment’s cognitive dissonance, and overall I found them a delightful evolution of an old favorite.

This + Cheetos = awesome.  As
long as you like goat cheese...

Stars: 3/4

Spiciness Rating : none

Pros :

- Delightfully evocative goat cheese flavor

- Classic Cheeto-like texture still a pleasure for the tongue

- So stereotypically French, it’s practically a parody of globalization!

Cons:

- Must like, or at least tolerate, goat cheese

Lorenz Curly Cacahuete (Peanut)

Somewhere in my youth it was impressed upon me that the French don’t do peanut butter.  I don’t think they even necessarily hate it, it is just not part of their cultural repertoire, the way making beans on toast would never occur to the American mind.  Yes, you can find peanut butter in some of the better stocked super markets, but it is definitely an exotic product in these parts.  (Curiously enough, I am told peanut butter is more commonly appreciated in Germany, though not apparently, peanut butter sandwiches.)

Peant butter is a state of mind that
is unknown in the land of the hexagon.

But while the French may not have peanut-butter flavored anything, peanut flavored chips are in abundant supply. Peanut-flavored bugles and peanut-flavored corn puffs are prominently on display in super markets, and being a cheapskate I picked up the least expensive I could find and have been rewarded with a product of corresponding quality.

Lorenz Curly Cacahuete (Peanut) are shaped roughly like Cheetos corn puffs, but the texture is by far inferior.  Both rougher on the tongue and less dense, these corn-puff curls are lacking the oily texture and the chewy soft interiors that make Cheetos awesome.  In other words, while they do not completely botch the format, they earn a D for having an unfavorable ratio of air-to-tasty-goodness.

Ever though to yourself "Mmmm, I
love the flavor of salty, unsweetened
peanuts so much, if only I could taste
them on puffed corn?"  If so, stop
having these thoughts.

            I must honestly report that the actual flavoring of the chips is square on the mark, and after gobbling down a fair number (and you will tend to gobble down a fair number at once because of the aforementioned lack of substance), your mouth will be convinced you are gobbling a handful of peanuts.  However, you will ask yourself, “why not just eat a handful of peanuts?”  Because the chips are not at all sweet, and frankly I found myself wanting something that tasted more like peanut butter than peanuts, or at least honey-roasted peanuts or some such.  If you like the idea of having chips that tasted like salty unsweetened peanuts, you could probably forgive the failings of texture and appreciate what the mixers at Lorenz have crafted.  Myself, while I found they made a passable snack, they mostly left me wanting something better, or at least, sweeter.

Stars: 1 ½

Spiciness Rating: none

Pros:

-Very effectively emulates the flavor of unsweetened peanuts

Cons:

-Corn puffs are very poor and insubstantial in texture

-The flavoring may leave you wishing for something sweeter

Cheetos Mighty Zingers Sharp Cheddar & Salsa Picante

How many times in life do you get excited when you learn that two things you love are going to be combined into an even bigger and better product, only to discover that, like when Aliens are mixed with Predators on the movie screen, the results are in fact vastly inferior to the originals? 



Being a big Cheetos fan, I was pleasantly surprised one afternoon when my then-fiancé-now-wife came home with a bag of Salsa & Sharp Cheddar Zingers.  Imagine my horror when I ripped open the bag to discover that the long Cheeto sticks I had sinfully cherished in my earliest years had been replaced by lumpy nuggets slightly larger than a Coco Pebble?  I think the theory is that they wanted the consumer to blend both flavors in one bite, so smaller pieces are offered to force the eater to pick up more than one for each mouth full.  While I appreciate the design logic, it makes them both a pain in the ass to eat (it’s like eating cereal with your fingers, something we‘ve all probably done at some point, but are ashamed to admit), and the little pebbles are simply much less satisfying to crunch in your mouth than the classic Cheeto sticks.



Chips or breakfast cereal?
Only you can decide.
Image courtesy of Hot Chicks Eatin'
Spicy Chips, who were even less
impressed with these than I was.



Unfortunately, the problems only begin there.  The bag is basically a mixture of red-colored Spicy Cheetos and orange colored Zesty Cheese Cheetos mixed into one, both excellent products on their own but offering little new  in combination.  Eventually I realized that there were perhaps some slight alterations- the Salsa Cheetos I believe have a slightly more tangy flavor, but completely lack the spicy kick of Spicy Cheetos, and are thus definitely inferior.  The Cheesy Cheetos are basically ok by themselves, but are definitely more numerous than the red cheetos in the bag, and kind of swamp what flavor the already lacking salsa Cheetos can muster. 

Now, these are still basically Cheetos, when you come down to it, and thus still have a satisfying crunch texture and an overall tasty flavor.  However, I was ready to give this product one star simply for being categorically inferior to the products it was meant to be a spin off of. 

While I was begrudgingly munching away one afternoon on this sad experiment in forced co-existance, I realized that I recognized the flavor in my mouth from some where in the back of my head, and then it struck me: the combination of the two flavors did in fact remind me of eating cheesy nachos with salsa at a Tex-Mex restaurant.  Now, by that I mean, nachos swamped with too much cheese and a dab of not-very-spicy-salsa at a thoroughly American-style establishment.  But still, it was an uncanny bit of flavor emulation, and in honor of it and the inherent virtues of its Cheeto-ness, I have settled with giving it 2 stars.  After all, I can look back on those college microwave cheese-and-nacho plates with a certain nostalgic fondness, and for some folks (other than me) it may just not get any better than that.

Stars: 2/4

Spice Level: Very Mild

Pros:

- The concept of mixing two different flavored chips in your mouth is kind of neat.

- They are still basically Cheetos, with all of their attendent tasty qualities.

- Evocative of melted-cheese-and-jarred-salsa on nachos you get at a bar or college coffee house.  In other words, nostalgic in a trashy kind of way.

Cons:

- Pebble sized Cheetos are both more annoying and less enjoyable to eat.

- Flavors poorly balanced and insufficiently strong

Burger King Cheesy Fries

Notice how scrumptuously tender
and cheesy those lovely fries look?
THE FRIES ARE A LIE!
So is the cake, by the way...

           It is my sad duty, at times, to review a product that is not merely poorly conceived and made with inferior ingredients, but is actively, maliciously, and deceptively craptacular.  We are talking about the difference between being weak and incompetent, and being maliciously villainous (in chip form).  The Burger King’s Cheesy Fries are the parasitic pond-scum of snacks, frail monstrosities that could only have been spawned from the the DNA of corporate branding machine without any concern for creating a good product.

            First among this products many, many disappointments is that the actual contents of the package bear no resemblance to the ravenously tasty looking crunch french fries with cheese, depicted in loving detail by a large photo on the cover.  If you think you are going to be getting something thicky and crusty, with lots of large air bubbles and dried cheese, then you are in for a sad surprise.

            Let me restate the implications of that last statement to eliminate any possible confusion: there are no fries in the bag.  Now somebody is going yell at me on the comments thread What did you expect, moron!  You can’t put fries in a foil bag and sell them like chips.  And I want to quickly assure you all that I was in fact quite well aware that this would likely be the case, and not one fraction of demerit has been imposed on this product for not being fries.  However, plenty of demerits are to be assigned for a product whose packaging actively misleads you as too the appearance of its contents, as the actual chips resembles fries as much as cue tips resemble pixie sticks.

Instead of staring at Rita,
try comparing
the 'fry' she is holding with
her chopsticks to the
picture on the bag.
Instant cognative
dissonance!  Check out her
review of the product- she
agrees with me, and also
discusses her chips-with-
chopsticks fetish. 

            What you will find inside instead are some extremely thin yellow rods of processed fried corn (sort of Cheeto-like in textures, but vastly inferior), only about 4 millimeters in width, with slanted edges that can only vaguely be said to resemble fries.  They have none of the chewy inner-texture of actual fries, crunching in your mouth just like the aforementioned cheetos, but the rods are so small that the crunch itself is rather pathetic and joyless.  To reiterate, they are not remotely like actual fries in shape or texture, nor do they have any particular redeeming virtues in their faux-imitation form.

            Now what degrades this rather sorry product below the level of your average uninspired salty snack is that it is slathered heavily in orange flavoring which tastes not a bit like actual cheesy fries, but is instead a typical salty cheddar flavoring found on countless other products, except this time the salty flavor is way too strong.  There must definitely have been some failure in the product testing somewhere, because I’m pretty sure salty-like-drinking-sea-water is not something the average consumer is looking for in their chips.

            To add devastating insult to injury, you get a ridiculous ¾ of an ounce in the small bag, making this a ridiculous rip off of in quantity as well as quality.  The silver lining, at least, was that I didn’t have to endure it for very long.

Stars: ½/4
Spiciness Level: None

Pros:

-I really tried to think of some, seriously, but I’m still pretty mad about how bad these were a year later!

Cons:

-Way over salted, and flavoring completely misses the mark

-Texture is anemic, and is in no way similar to actual crunchy-cheese fries

-Rods are too thin, especially to simulate actual fries

-Miserably small quantity of chips in the bag for the price (perhaps I should put this under pros?