Cheetos Pizzerini

Today I will introduce for your pleasure a truly a pan-European delicy-Cheetos Pizzerini are parently manufactured in Poland, but the text in the back is additionally written Lithuania, Latvian, Estonian, Hungarian, and Czech!  Just like the Tunisian take on Sun Chips, the Cheetos brand in Eastern Europe retains the same recognizable imagery and symbols (Chester seems spry and cool and has apparently so far avoided succumbing to Feline Infectuious Peritonitis, the ebola-virus of cheetah-kind), but the finished product bears only coincidental resemblance to any Cheetos you have encountered in the United States despite the orange Cheetah on the packaging.

"Stocky leapords" is a phrase you will
only encounter when Cheetahs take
over the world. And they will.  Oh yes,
they will...

Now, curiously, the Polish word for ‘Cheetah’ is gepard- you guessed it, the same as the word for leopard.  But wait a minute, aren’t those the same thing?  In fact, the cheetah has a smaller body and longer tail (speed record for an animal moving on land, yo- 105 kilometers an hour in your tasty, tasty gazelle-like face), tear-strike lines running from its eyes to the chin for the scary-licious kabuki-samurai I’m-going-to-murderize-you-while-crying look, and bigger spots.

Nothing says "I'm going to slaughter you so
hard I need to start weeping tears in advance
 in my horror of the deed" then some black
 lipstick and eyeliner with tear trails,
 as Cheetahs and Abyssal Exalted
know well...

Rather than the hard and crunchy cheese fingers Americans have come to expect, Cheetos Pizzerini are shaped more like three dimensional hearts or lozenges, relatively large in size (about an 1” in across) and with a much softer and less dense corn-puff base.  Naturally, they are coated with a a pretty red tomato-basil/pizza seasoning colored with occasional flecks of green that tastes rather like Pizza Combos.  (My theory is that professional flavorists have imitated the likes of animated sitcoms, radical philosophers, and Shrek movies and become predominantly self-referential.) 

Note that these are ovoid in shape rather than flat,
like the Rebel transports escaping from Hoth.

As a complete package it’s pretty decent- the tomato basil flavoring is reasonably tasty, even though it wasn’t quite strong enough for my liking, and the soft texture of the corn puffs invites rapid munching, though I’m afraid it’s not quite as fun as the crunchiness of real Cheetos nor as densely textured as classic Cheese Curls.

Still, Polish Cheetos are an entertaining departure from regular American products for jaded chip-eaters, and I think you can’t go wrong trying these out just to see how differently a company will spin the brand name to suit what are presumably local tastes.

Stars: 2½

Spiciness Rating: None

Pros:

- Competent pizza-like flavoring

- Soft corn-puff lozenges are relatively novel and highly munchable

Cons:

- Not quite as good as the original Cheetos recipe

- Stronger flavoring would have been welcome

Cheetos Mighty Zingers Ragin’ Cajun & Tangy Ranch

            I had been eyeing this double-offering for while with mixed feelings of desire and wise hesitation, like that handsome girl (or guy) you know is totally into you, but which the wisdom-based portion of your brain is telling you will likely bring nothing but trouble.  The desire is there because I like Cheetos and I like getting two flavors in one bag, the prudent hesitation, in this case, being a sister product (Cheetos Sharp Cheddar and Spicy Picante) that proved gravely disappointing if not a total loss.   However, having succumbed to my baser desires (or curiosity, at least, if that doesn’t count as one), and brought these giblet-sized corn puffs on a date with my mouth, I feel like I can assure you that while this gal may have few issues just like her sister, she is way cooler and fun to hang out with.

"It's the economy STUPID," says
an angry French speaker from
Louisiana.  Not pictured: a ranch
drenched in lemon juice.

            Let’s be upfront about the issues though: we are once again talking about Coco pebble-sized Cheetos rather than stick-shaped Cheetos.  While this is designed to enable you biting two of the flavors at once with each bite, the problem is that the smaller Cheeto bits are not as satisfying to eat individually and a pain to have to collect in between your clawed fingers.  My feeling is that a better compromise would have been bits about half the mass of your average Cheeto, which would have made them better for eating individually but still feasible to eat in multiples.  To be fair, some of the Cheeto bits actually are cut at that happy medium, but not enough.

An informative look at what's inside
courtesy of the review by Hot Chicks
Eatin' Spicy Chips, who rather liked
them but note that the Tabasco-sauce
flavoring is rather more evocative of
Buffalo Wings than Cajun cuisine.  So
not a bad thing, but not what you may
be expecting.

            Overall, though, I did not find this deficiency to be as annoying this time around because the actual flavorings involved were much more satisfying.  The light-gold colored Tangy Ranch bits and the reddish-orange colored Ragin’ Cajun pieces are both basically derivative, but still have their subtle differences and work well together.  The Tangy Ranch is basically just like the ranch flavoring on a Dorito, though a bit more sour in taste, and works well on Cheetos even if it’s not original.  The Ragin’ Cajun bits are basically flavored like spicy Tabasco sauce, and pack a respectable kick.  Any one who's had the red Spicy Cheetos knows roughly what to expect, but these are actually tangy-er and combine pretty well with the ranch flavored ones, even though the spiciness-level is somewhat diluted.

I don't know how I feel about you after
meeting your evil twin who was in favor
of planetary genocide as a means for
furthering the domination of the Empire,
but now that I've had both flavors of
Mighty Zingers I realize that villainy
isn't a genetic trait!  Logically.

            So all in all, it was fun chowing these down and I’m glad I gave into my unwise temptation, because sometimes it isn’t fair to make assumption about a guy or a girl based on that troublesome relative of theirs you already know.  Anyone who likes the idea of Tabasco and ranch flavored Cheetos should give these a try.

Star: 3/4

Spiciness Level: Moderate

Pros:

- Ranch-flavored Cheeto-bits are an interesting remix

- The ‘Cajun’ Cheetos come off as a tangier variant of Spicy Cheetos, who’s awesomeness we should all acknowledge

- The flavors complement each other in a pleasing faction

Cons:

- The small size of the corn puffs can make for annoyingly complicated eating experience as you try to pinch multiples of them between your fingers.

- Some might wish for something spicier over all

Belin Croustilles Fromage de Chevre (aka Goat-Cheese Cheetos)

Every now and then when wading overseas amidst the mundane everyday things of another culture we come across some artifact which happens to perfectly capture the zeitgeist in some shockingly provocative way.  And what could more perfectly capture the encroachment of globalization on the traditional-yet-innovative French than Goat-Cheese flavored Cheetos?  The concept alone is gold, and the fact that they actually taste like goat cheese just makes it better!

Mind you, these are not of course made by Frito-Lay, but they are the same material and same shape, if not of course the same flavor, and they do have a slightly different, less dense consistency.  The product line appears to be called ‘Croustille’, a word dervied from croustillant (KROO-STEEY-AHN) which gets translated as 'crusty', but the term captures a concept of crunchy-on-the-outsides-and-tender-on-the-inside-dness that has no equal in the English language as far as I know.  Being like Cheetos, of course, the insides are not particularly soft, but at least the title is evocative.

Tastes just like goat.  But I mean that
in a good way.

The texture, as I noted, is not quite as dense and oily as Cheetos, but still superior to certain other airy Cheeto-like products I have had, but anyway if you’re trying these out, you’re really looking for flavor not texture.  And the flavor, I have to say is spot on, and uncannily like goat cheese.  Now, how you feel about that will depend on your relationship with goat cheese, and whether you feel you can tolerate it anywhere but in its traditional scraped-on-bread setting.  Personally, I endorse this heartily; it aptly mixes the mild salty flavors of goat cheese along with the subtly acrid after taste- and it must be emphasized that the after taste is kept well under control and shouldn’t offend anyone.  Though I was initially a little wierded-out by Goat-cheese corn puffs, I quickly grew to enjoy them without even a moment’s cognitive dissonance, and overall I found them a delightful evolution of an old favorite.

This + Cheetos = awesome.  As
long as you like goat cheese...

Stars: 3/4

Spiciness Rating : none

Pros :

- Delightfully evocative goat cheese flavor

- Classic Cheeto-like texture still a pleasure for the tongue

- So stereotypically French, it’s practically a parody of globalization!

Cons:

- Must like, or at least tolerate, goat cheese

Cheetos Mighty Zingers Sharp Cheddar & Salsa Picante

How many times in life do you get excited when you learn that two things you love are going to be combined into an even bigger and better product, only to discover that, like when Aliens are mixed with Predators on the movie screen, the results are in fact vastly inferior to the originals? 



Being a big Cheetos fan, I was pleasantly surprised one afternoon when my then-fiancé-now-wife came home with a bag of Salsa & Sharp Cheddar Zingers.  Imagine my horror when I ripped open the bag to discover that the long Cheeto sticks I had sinfully cherished in my earliest years had been replaced by lumpy nuggets slightly larger than a Coco Pebble?  I think the theory is that they wanted the consumer to blend both flavors in one bite, so smaller pieces are offered to force the eater to pick up more than one for each mouth full.  While I appreciate the design logic, it makes them both a pain in the ass to eat (it’s like eating cereal with your fingers, something we‘ve all probably done at some point, but are ashamed to admit), and the little pebbles are simply much less satisfying to crunch in your mouth than the classic Cheeto sticks.



Chips or breakfast cereal?
Only you can decide.
Image courtesy of Hot Chicks Eatin'
Spicy Chips, who were even less
impressed with these than I was.



Unfortunately, the problems only begin there.  The bag is basically a mixture of red-colored Spicy Cheetos and orange colored Zesty Cheese Cheetos mixed into one, both excellent products on their own but offering little new  in combination.  Eventually I realized that there were perhaps some slight alterations- the Salsa Cheetos I believe have a slightly more tangy flavor, but completely lack the spicy kick of Spicy Cheetos, and are thus definitely inferior.  The Cheesy Cheetos are basically ok by themselves, but are definitely more numerous than the red cheetos in the bag, and kind of swamp what flavor the already lacking salsa Cheetos can muster. 

Now, these are still basically Cheetos, when you come down to it, and thus still have a satisfying crunch texture and an overall tasty flavor.  However, I was ready to give this product one star simply for being categorically inferior to the products it was meant to be a spin off of. 

While I was begrudgingly munching away one afternoon on this sad experiment in forced co-existance, I realized that I recognized the flavor in my mouth from some where in the back of my head, and then it struck me: the combination of the two flavors did in fact remind me of eating cheesy nachos with salsa at a Tex-Mex restaurant.  Now, by that I mean, nachos swamped with too much cheese and a dab of not-very-spicy-salsa at a thoroughly American-style establishment.  But still, it was an uncanny bit of flavor emulation, and in honor of it and the inherent virtues of its Cheeto-ness, I have settled with giving it 2 stars.  After all, I can look back on those college microwave cheese-and-nacho plates with a certain nostalgic fondness, and for some folks (other than me) it may just not get any better than that.

Stars: 2/4

Spice Level: Very Mild

Pros:

- The concept of mixing two different flavored chips in your mouth is kind of neat.

- They are still basically Cheetos, with all of their attendent tasty qualities.

- Evocative of melted-cheese-and-jarred-salsa on nachos you get at a bar or college coffee house.  In other words, nostalgic in a trashy kind of way.

Cons:

- Pebble sized Cheetos are both more annoying and less enjoyable to eat.

- Flavors poorly balanced and insufficiently strong